Sunday, April 25, 2010

TMI or Just Yellow J’urinal’ism

Recently I was dealing with a kidney stone. After suffering all day I decided to go to the ER. They gave me some kinda cocktail that was amazing. I highly recommend it. A couple pain free days later I was sitting at home in my office minding my own business when I needed to relieve myself. I went to the toilet and was making bubbles in the blue water when the stream paused then started again and I thinks to myself, Self?? what the heck was that? It took a second to realize the stone had moved out of my bladder and making it way towards daylight. I was surprised because I really didn’t know if the stone had ever made it to the bladder. All of the sudden, at the worst possible time, the river of relief dried up. I still weren’t positive what was happening. It was a little painful so I felt around annnnd Ohhhhh crap, FOUND IT, that hurts, ALOT. I found the little porcupine. He was making the most of his exit. It was stranded halfway to the freefall point. I carefully stowed the injured and aching appendage and headed toward the fridge. The rescue mission was underway. As luck would have it I only had 1 beer so I chugged it pretty quickly. I then started downing glasses of water. I went to sit in my office to let the reservoir refill for the grand departure and ouch. I had to readjust the packaging. It seemed like forever but finally that special urge returned. I waddled to the bathroom with that super cool cup the Dr. gives you with a strainer in the bottom. I lined up just right so I could hit the toilet and have one knee braced against the wall ( I've heard Scary Stories). It is kinduva a trick to unstow without irritating the spiny critter and hold the cup and line everything up just right. I only got two hands. Well the big moment arrived. I let the dam go and yikes. You seen pictures where the cat has its claws dug in and it is ripping whatever it is clinging to. I was kinda like that for prolly a second but it seemed a lot longer. All the sudden it is out. Nasty little thing. I rinsed it off and measured it. 4mm average but was about 5mm across at the widest sharpest point. That’s not my first stone but it was definitely my least favorite.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

TP Surprise

Our neighbors house this morning.

I tried to move more to the front to get a straight on shot but daddy neighbor was cleaning up. He aint a cheery ole soul.

I guess this begs for the age old question. Do you throw the toliet paper with it coming over the top or under the bottom?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Oh, That’s Gross or 2002: Running Out of Space Odyssey

We were done with having kids, we thought. We had 3 and we were happily moving on with life, school, scouts, softball, and learner’s permits. We were in a small 3 bedroom and already had the girls stacked in bunks like cordwood. The youngest was 9 when IT happened but had been asking and praying for a baby sister for years. I got the call at work in 2002 and we were at the dinner table the night we announced we were having another baby to the youngins. The kids just got up one by one and left the table without saying a word. It was quiet and a bit surreal. Well the baby came and was loved but when things came up we jokingly blamed the youngest because she was the one that kept begging for a sister.

Well one day she came home from school proclaiming that Little A wasn’t her fault at all. She saw a film at school today and it weren’t her fault, it was mom and dads and it was gross. I guess the secret is out.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

The Honeymoon and the Deliverance Gang

As the wife and I were planning our wedding we were trying to decide on a honeymoon spot. I had just been laid off so the funds were slim. I was at my parent’s house one day and WT (my old boss/family friend) was there. He said we could use his cabin in Tennessee, free. Wow, that sounded good. I was a bit surprised because the last day I worked for him I hit him in the leg with a sledgehammer and ran the truck over some concrete forms.
We hit the hillbilly highway the day after the wedding. We drove 4 miles up the mountain on a dirt road over condemned bridges and thru the creek to get to the cabin. It really was a nice place. WT was there but packing to come home. He laid down the ropes. No food outside, Don’t walk around outside after dark, especially with food. Huh?? Bears. Ohhhh, thanks for the warning.

We moved in, got comfy and started planning our excursions for the week. The Worlds Fair was in Knoxville and since Y2K prolly messed up calendars looking back that far, it was 1982. Yea, way back. Gatlinburg was only 2 hours away so we decided to hit that first.

Our trip the next day to Gatlinburg was wet and foggy. It had stopped raining when we got to town so we saw the sights and had a sepia photo made in period clothing at the Old Timey Photo place. We shopped, ate and looked around till time to go. It was a bit foggy so we decided to stay the night in lieu of facing the fog for 2 hours. We found no rooms were available due to the World’s Fair but were pointed to the Chamber of Commerce for help. When we asked about a room his eyes lit up. “I got just the place. There are cabins up the mountain called Black Bear Lodge, I’ll call for ya”. As he cups his hand over the mouth piece he says “Hey, Bubba, I got two more for ya”. “He says he can come get ya cause your car won’t make it up the mountain”. Bells, whistles, and sirens go off in my head. I swear I seen this movie before and it didn’t turn out well. Can you say,” squeal like a pig!!”? I looked at the wife and I can tell she was hearing Dueling Banjos too so we politely declined, shuffled our feet toward the exit and about ran to the car.

We drove thru Pigeon Forge on the way back, only then Dolly hadn’t dreamed of Dollywood yet. As we pulled thru the creek and up to the cabin we noticed the lights were on upstairs. Problem was we haven’t been upstairs. I left wifey in the car with instructions to high tail it out if something happened. It wouldn’t do any good because she couldn’t drive a straight drive. I snuck into the house quiet as I could and reached into the cabinets to get my gun. What?? You didn’t take yours on your honeymoon? I’m from the south. No, I don’t know why I didn’t take it to Gatlinburg too. Get off my case. Anywho, I about broke plates getting it out quietly, sheesh. I start up the stairs looking like Barney Fife with a shaking gun. Squeak, squeak, squeak, each step sounding more and more familiar. When I made the turn at the top of the stairs it hit me. I was up here last night getting a quilt. Feeling braver now I looked around to be sure we were visitor free and made sure I turned the lights out. We went to bed a bit shaken and exhausted from the day’s events just to be awakened at 6:30 the next morn by a knock on the door by an extra from These Hills Have Eyes. Yea, I had my gun this time. Turns out it was a neighbor (closest house is a mile away) WT had asked to check on us. He wanted to make sure we were OK (Survived) and they had spotted a bear in the creek earlier this morn. Earlier?? It was only 6:30, what were they doing below the house before 6:30? I’m thinking WT is getting me back for the sledgehammer incident. While he was speaking I noticed concrete trucks going up the road. They were building a Chateau at the top of the mountain. When we went out later to pick up some groceries we looked back at the bridge. The condemned sign had been taken down. load limit problem solved I spose. Overall it was a nice if not memorable Honeymoon.

How was your honeymoon?

Friday, April 2, 2010

Was Mom Wrong?

This morning I was thinking, “I hate being me”. There are folks here at work that tend to take advantage of my willingness to help out at the expense of my own projects and I have problems saying NO. I was raised to be courteous, helpful and respectful of others. It was always put the other person first and it was helping the company out. It is also a Biblical principle. Recently I read an article on AOL titled “On the job, Nice guys may finish last”. I can look back and see how it has prolly hindered my professional progress in the past. I have always been of the opinion that “I don’t have to play all the games as long as I know the rules”. Turns out that maybe I should have played the games. I went into the boss’s office this morning to tell him about the article and announced that I was going to be more assertive and not so willing to bail folks out of their own messes. He kinda looked at me and then I said, SORRY. Sorry??? Crap, I can’t even pretend to be tough. He got a good laugh. I walked off shaking my head. So, I guess I am who I am and that’s all I’ll ever be. That kinda sounds like a song. For the big picture mom was right. Just not at work I spose. Nice guys may finish last but in the end I’ll still be a nice guy. Ya’ll have a wonderful day.